It's been a while.

I must say that in this year 2010, it surely has been a rather frustrating year. Surely I've learnt an abundance of lessons I'm bound to repeat again. But the worst is that, I feel that I've grown weaker. I used to be solid, hardly ever cry, happy-go-lucky, all that sort of shit. However, at this current state I feel absolutely vulnerable. Which is why I confine myself to these miserable aquamarine walls I'm forced to resign to as my home.

I keep crying. I keep hating. I keep being petty and useless. Whinging all the time and I think people are getting particularly crossed with me just because I'm letting myself slip into the emotional abyss. Half te time I don't have a clue of what I'm talking about. Or even doing.

The boy. He is the only one I ever look forward to now. A light that a plant grows towards. A boat that keeps me afloat. A friend to confess my every thought. A lover to satisfy my constant need for attention. And yet he is so much more than that. But being rich, he travels a lot with his family while I'm forced to stay in this country. I miss him so much, and I wish it didn't bother me as much but it does. He gets so upset when I'm alone and crying, he keeps blaming himself for my misery. And I can't deny that his absence is part of it, but it's not entirely. I'm a horrid girlfriend, I really am. I expect so much attention from him, yet I don't know how to comfort him in his time of need. Especially that night when he got upset because I was never always there for him like he was for me. I'm more of a child than him despite me being older.

Oh why do I make things so difficult for myself. Why am I even writing this? The only main thing I know is true is that my misery is self inflicted and it's all in head.

Don't I sound like a whiny little pathetic teenager? Yes I certainly do.

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Dearest younger boy, I don't precisely know how we came to where we are.
Odd position of being Lovers but we're not together.
It merely makes enough sense to stop people from asking, but it makes perfect logic in our minds.

A few months ago we never thought that we'd even be friends,
And now we can't even go a day without thinking and missing each other.
Your kisses, your touch, I've never felt anything more divine.
You're face isn't the best-looking, but you're so handsome to me.
You insist your wealth upon me no matter how much I reject your money.
You don't like what I love, I don't love what you like, but we still work our way around it.

I can't stop thinking of how amazing you are.
Everytime I look in the mirror, I insult my face and wonder why anyone would want me.
But then I receive your texts telling me how much you love me,
And I don't feel so worthless anymore.

You're a hard catch, you know?
I'm blessed to have caught you in time.
I love you so very much.

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It's ridiculous. The whole week when you weren't around, I waited and counted down the days til your return. I couldn't get you out of my already clogged up mind. And I've only known you for days. Plus the fact that you are younger than I am suggests a rather cougar-like instinct to arise again.

Emptiness is what I felt. Nothing could fill the void and I obsessively thought about you to suffice my needs to talk to you. I even imagined scenes where perhaps we could be lovers.

But I contradict myself way too much, I suppose.

You're honestly not the best looking guy I know, especially amongst many that I do know. You might be the wealthiest, though. But put aside all that, your personality is what keeps me wanting to know you more. This may sound crazy, but the first time I saw you, I might have already fallen, even if I was oblivious to those feelings.

Mind you, at that point in time, I didn't know a thing about your wealthy, slightly broken background. All I knew was of your loud, humorous and somewhat irritating self. However, you were interesting. You stood out, and I merely watched you from the corner of my eyes.

I was slightly ecstatic when you asked for my number and vegan talking to me. A platonic relationship was what you offered me and I gratefully complied. I loved the things we talked about. We barely knew each other, but all of a sudden, we were talking about such personal matters. I liked how open and trusting you were. We have so much in common yet we're different heroes in our own stories.

This is a lot to say for a boy I've only known for a week. I don't know if I really like you, but I do and once again, I contradict myself.

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Which is why I result in posting relevant lyrics.
I don’t really have that streak for writing, but I suppose I’m not that bad.
Though now, I can’t write much because I’ve no muse,
No motive, no inspiration, no reason.

I know it doesn’t have to always be about love or hurt,
But I’m not feeling any prominent emotions apart from bore and the like.
How do I survive writing my papers?
I'll never know.

I miss reading updates here like those of Winnie, Mahera, Sharlyn, Trainer Aziz etc.
I still do, albeit occassionally.

Wish me luck forbthe Mid-Years,
Slowly dying

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So your father told you once,
That you were his princess.
But you won’t see the castle,
You cannot find your prince.
But now you’ve grown a lot,
And your dresses don’t fit right.
But daddy’s not a saviour,
He stole your chariot.

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I occassionally come here and see my friends updates.
You'd be surprised to know that I read all of you guys's posts.
(What kind of grammar that is, I wouldn't know)
I'll be here every now and then since it's slightly more private now that people are moving to Tumblr.

Not like anyone really cares bout me anyway.

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Teeth gritting, hands balled up into fists,
Eyes glaring at nothing in particular,
and my lips tugged right up on the left side.

I bear no legitimate reason to feel this animosity.
Yet I enjoy the feeling of it all.
To be particularly unhappy,
Blackhearted and on the verge of an epic rage.
Perhaps if my jaw gives way,
A thunderous uproar will eminate from the depths of my throat.
It’d release all the vehemence that I’ve suppressed all my life.

Then I would be silent.
Only to speak at times of vital need.

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Fuck you fucking bitch of a fucker.
You caused ms so much more pain than I even need in a lifetime.
Who the fuck are you anyway?
Just this wench who passed by my life and took all that I wanted away.
Fucker all that I want, you've taken!

You douchebag why did you go for such a fucked up girl?
I'm pretty sure i'm better than her.
God damn it you're perfect but you're still an asshole.
You made her een more fucked up than possible.
Asshole, but I still want to be your friend.

Silly boy what the hell do you see in that fucker anyway?
What is it about her that makes her better than me?
You're a great guy, but you're stupid to think that she's worth.

God damn my fucking pathetic excuse for a young adult.

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I cannot feel anger or hate or even embarrassment for very long.
It is as though when the moment I begin to feel these emotions,
Something sucks those emotions out.
Like something doesn’t want me to feel these feelings.
Or perhaps, somebody IS feeding on my emotions,
Leaving me with lack of feelings besides the positive ones.

Maybe my body and brain just thinks it’s not worth getting upset over it.
Some people also think that I suppress my negativity well.
I just think there are more important things to worry about than these.

I believe this is called ‘maturity’?

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